This is life now

My husband just came in and asked me in annoyance if I knew where the remote to the light was. I said I’d never tell. 
Friday the PlayStation remote went missing. I had to go back to the Stone Age and use the controller to watch five billion episodes of Nightmare Nextdoor on Hulu. Then I became paranoid and suspicious of every single one of our neighbors. Even the nice old lady who walks her as equally old dog every morning. 

Three days later we found it in the bottom of the trash can underneath the trash bag. 
There’s a toy air plane stowed on top of the towels in the linen closet because “that’s where it belongs”. 

I have that song from the Daily Bumps Vlog stuck in my head, and even if I’m the only one in the car I still listen to The Chipmunk Adventure soundtrack. (That may be in part because my Elle King album is inside and I keep forgetting to put it back in the car.)

This is only the beginning of life with an almost 3 year old boy. One who is skipping his naps already, I’m not ready for that. 

I’ve been writing notes down for a story I’ve been creating in my head for years. It’s slowly coming together more and more every day.

I read and loved the new Harry Potter book(play). It’s everything Harry Potter should be. I actually got out of the house for a few hours on Saturday. I saw the Jason Bourne movie, and thought my dad would have loved it but would have been sad about a particular characters fate. Then I stuffed myself with chicken tenders and fries from Cheddars Scratch Kitchen. 

I want to write more. In one week I will have a preschooler. The first few days he goes I’ll come home and revel in the silence. Then I’ll slowly get a brand new routine, or maybe I’ll just nap. 

Letter to my Race Car Father



Dear Daddy,

Growing up I was embarrassed by the race car.

I was so embarrassed that in high school when you picked me up in, it I flat out made you pick me up across the street from the school. I just could not have someone hear that.

At the end of my senior year I realized that maybe boys could actually like me. Before I never thought about it. Chop it up to being insecure and quiet. (I was never shy. I’m an introvert, which shouldn’t be confused with shy).

Much to my surprise, and maybe dismay they loved that car. So I started to embrace it. Except for the times when you’d start it in the early morning hours of 7AM. I mean I was a teenager, sleeping in until 2pm was more of a priority for me.

And that car…. It was so loud that it shook the entire house.

I started going out to the race track with my best friends. I’d watch the drag races, and I would be proud of you and your 10 second car.

Had I realized back then that boys would like that car so much maybe I could have had them around much earlier. One will never know.

However, I think ultimately one of the reasons I appreciated Zack was because he always came in right away to see me first. He didn’t care about the car.

All in all I’m still proud of it. It’s one of the many reasons I am proud to be your daughter.


A Letter to my 2 Year Old Son

Dear Son,

You have started the terrible twos, and the terrible temper tantrums. You have found your voice, just not the words.

Just the other day you were laughing and smiling. Trying to learn to ride your trike. I said ok we have to turn around. You were instantly upset. I didn’t say we had to go home, or go inside. I just wanted to turn around. I just wanted to be closer to home.

You threw one of the biggest tantrums to date. I was overwhelmed, and anxious. I worried about your safety. You have no idea how much I love you. How my heart is so full to bursting for you.

This time in your life though, it breaks my heart.

You are so defiant. You are so persistent. You have reached the “I want to do it myself stage”. You are curious, and you are affectionate. You hug me constantly. You absentmindedly pat me. You run up and wrap your arms around me while I’m cooking. You love to see how things work. Your mind is reeling with new information every single day.

You are the best thing I ever managed to do, but still my heart cracks.

Every time you cry, and become angry it is because you are frustrated. You don’t know how to say the words to convey your feelings. It makes you cry in frustration and anger.

Sometimes you just flat out are upset about things like bed time, and trips to target or the grocery store. You want to run around and be free. You want to play until all hours of the night. You want to watch Home a million times a day because you love to dance to the music.

It’s all understandable because you are learning. I know you learn something new every day, and that is exciting. I love watching you grow, and how excited you get when you do something. You have the cutest look of pure concentration. You look at me with the most pleasing grin, and sometimes you clap your hands when you’ve done something new.¬†Your vocabulary is becoming bigger and bigger everyday.

Yet, I am still sad. Lost. Frustrated myself. Exhausted to the bone.

The truth is my little man, it’s not you I blame. It is myself. I keep thinking I’m failing you in some capacity. It’s silly, but true.

I am trying my best, and I hope when you look back on things you know that to be true .

I want you to grow up intelligent, and caring. Mostly I want you to grow up knowing how much your father and I love you. How much you are loved by everybody in your life.

Your Grandpa touched a lot of people’s lives, and I hope I can raise you to be the same way.

So my dear little man, when I become upset with you, it is because of how much I love you. It is not out of anger, but in total and complete love for you. Your Grandpa taught me that.

Love for Always,
Your mama

Dear Little One,

I was surprised, but excited for you. I made many plans in my head. I had nursery ideas. I had dreams of you and Jamie. They were not meant to be.

It is hard to go from elation to sadness In a matter of moments, seconds even.

I had dreams you were another boy. I wrote down names on a of piece paper. I looked up meanings.

God took you in his arms early before I was even able to hold you physically. I held your little tiny soul though for a little while. I kept it safe for as long as I could.

Today was your due date. It will soon come to pass. Time doesn’t heal, but it helps you grow and learn to be something new.

I hope my dad is there with you. Keeping you company, and telling you how much we would have loved you.

Your mama

2015 Books Read

This year I would like to thank God for audiobooks, because they are what got me through this year for the most part. I had a lot of turmoil and depression. I completely lost my ability to read. I turned to an audiobook app where I can get them from the library. This is a most wonderful invention.

I can’t really say what my favorite book(s) of the year were, but I did enjoy Everything, Everything by Nicola Yoon. I couldn’t stop listening to both the Hannah Swensen series and the Aurora Teagarden series. I really liked Vanishing Girls by Lauren Oliver, but it fell short for me in the end. Mostly because it was an obvious ending. I needed to read Heaven is For Real because I lost a baby, and there was a chapter in it that made me feel better. I really liked the end to the To All the Boys I loved Before books, those were excellent.

The book I liked least this year was Go Set A Watchmen by Harper Lee. My favorite book in high school was To Kill a Mockingbird. (That and Romeo and Juliet). This book was disappointing to me because it made me dislike both Scout and Atticus. I felt like there was no redeeming character in the book.

This post will be short, because sadly I don’t have much to say. I love to read. It was(is) my escape, but right now I am lost. I think I’m looking for that book where I couldn’t put it down. I thought about it when I wasn’t reading it. I thought ok one more chapter and then I’ll go to bed…or study. The Other Boleyn Girl, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Nineteen Minutes…these were all books I couldn’t put down. I assure you the list goes on, but those were off the top of my head. I’m looking for that, something that sucks me in.

In the end I had a goal of reading 40 books, and thanks to audio books I read/listened to 45 books. So this year I made a goal of 45 books again. I wish I could do 52, but I don’t think that’s feasible. I have no other real goals other then trying to read books I already own, and not getting library books. I know I will continue to listen to the Deborah Knott series, and I’ve already started listening to the second one. I’m also reading Career of Evil by Robert Galbrait(J.K. Rowling).

The truth is I have started at least 3-4 books, and nothing has interested me. Or I guess it just hasn’t pulled me out of my funk.

My next post will be a general year in review. For now, here is a full list of what I read both physical and audio:

The Opposite of Lonliness – Marina Keegan

Books 13-18 of the Hannan Swensen books – JoAnne Fluke

The Fever – Abbot

Dragonfly in Amber – Diana Gabaldon

Frankenstein – Mary Shelley

Dead Until Dark – Charlaine Harris

The Duff – Kody Keplinger

Shadow of Night – Deborah Harkness

The Best of Me – Nicholas Sparks

The Bunnicula Collection 4-5 – James Howe

Better Than Before – Gretchen Rubin

The Shadow Cabinet – Maureen Johnson

Vanishing Girls – Lauren Oliver

The Girls of August – Anne Rivers Siddons

Catering to Nobody – Dianne Mott Davidson

Saint Anything – Sarah Dessen

Heaven is for Real – Todd Burpo

The Total Money Makeover – Dave Ramsey

P.S. I Still Love You – Jenny Han

The Magicians – Lev Grossman

Grey – E.L. James

Jo’s Boys – Louisa May Alcott

Serafina and the Black Coat – Robert Beatty

Paper Towns – John Green

Gustav Gloom and the People Taker – Adam Troy Castor

Maire Antoinette, Serial Killer – Katie Allender

The Night Sister – Jennifer McMahon

Everything, Everything – Nicola Yoon

Go Set A Watchmen – Harper Lee

The Aurora Teagarden Series (Books 1-8) – Charlaine Harris

Bootlegger’s Daughter (The Deborah Knott Series) – Margaret Maron





2015 Pop Culture Review

So bare with me…I have a couple posts on this subject. I’ll put a full list of books read, and movies watched at the end of each post. Sadly, I just don’t have enough music to write a whole list about, and I’ll just fit that in on this post. As I’ve gotten older I’m more picky about my music, and the artists that I like. I would not call myself a Swifty, but Taylor is on the top of my list of favorite Artist. I have seen her twice in concert so that says a lot.

These posts tend to be my favorite because I look back on things I loved, so I guess let’s begin!

I kept track of every movie, and TV show I watched. This includes live television, Netflix, Redbox, dvd/blurays that I own, and movies I saw in the theater.

This year I did the unthinkable, well in my case it was the unthinkable, I  let my husband talk me into getting rid of cable. So basically I had to par down all of my shows and decide on what I really could not miss. I put the full list at the bottom, but I really loved iZombie, Outlander and Once Upon a Time the most. I gave up on a lot of shows this year, some of which made me a little sad. I just didn’t have interest in them anymore, this includes Vampire Diaries, Bones and Grey’s Anatomy. The truth is though with the last two I have given them up before, and I return to them later on. I still love The Middle and Last Man Standing as my half hour comedies. They are just the medicine I need.

I will never give up on Supernatural. I have been a fan of this show since season one, and I own all of the DVDs for it. I love my boys the Winchesteres, and will continue on with this show until the end

I rewatched some of The X-Files and Friends, although I have rewatched those several time over. Netflix wise my favorite show was The Unreakable Kimmy Schmidt. I am currently addicted to Breaking Bad, and I just about finished season 3. I can only watch that at night though after my son goes to bed. I also started Making a Murderer, but since I didn’t finish it I will put that on my 2016 list.

I really had no interest in watching American Horror Story: Coven, but I ended up watching it on Netflix. Ironically this is my favorite season of American Horror Story. So there’s that.

The show I’m most looking forward to in 2016 is the new episodes of The X-Files. I wish I could watch them with my father, but I will watch them in his memory.

Uh movie wise…I did a lot of rewatching of my favorite movies this year. I was in search for a lot of comfort because of everything I was going through. I also watched a lot of my favorite childhood movies because Jamjam was showing an interest in them.

New movies to me wise my favorites were Big Hero 6, Furious 7 (I cried during the whole Paul Walker memorial thing), Pitch Perfect 2, If I Stay, Jurassic World, Inside Out, All the Curious George movies, Age of Adaline, Vacation (2015),Home, and Mockingjay Part 2.

Home was a really pleasant surprise because I didn’t care to see it at all. My son LOVES it. I think it’s mostly the music that he loves, but I don’t mind watching it over and over again. There are so many awesome one liners in this movie like “Can I come into the out now?”, or “Don’t shush a shushing”.

Music wise  of course I loved Taylor Swift’s 1989 from 2014 and into 2015, and I saw her 1989 tour with my Husband. I kind of made him go see her. I LOVE HER! I am not ashamed of this. I wish I could meet her. I will see her again in concert. Other albumes I liked were Carrie Underwood’s Storyteller album, Adele’s 25 album, Halsey’s Badlands album (she really reminds me of Lorde and Lana Del Rey both of which I like), and the Home the soundtrack. I also got Hilary Duff’s new album, and I’ve been a fan of her for years. Years like her Lizzie Mcguire era, and I even saw her in concert when she was doing small venues. The album is called Breathe In. Breathe Out. In general I think Hilary is an amazing person, and super genuine.

I also saw Garth Brooks in concert this year with my best friend, which was AMAZING. It was a 10:30 show, and I really just wanted to fall in to bed. It was worth it though, and I’m glad I got to share that experience with my best friend. (Side note Trisha Yearwood was also there)

Just singles that I loved were: Ex’s and Oh’s -Elle King, Ghost – Ellie Henderson, All of Me – John Legend, Gods and Monsters – Lana Del Rey, The Funeral – Band of Horses, Fight Song – Rachel Platten, Elastic Heart – Sia, Say Something – A Great Big World featuring Christina Aguilera, and Lets Not Be Alone Tonight – R5.


Alright that’s the list for now. I’ll do a separate list of books that I read later! Below is the full list of movies and television I watched, and gave up on.


Full List of Movies in 2015

The Hobbit: Battle of Five Armies
The Duff
The Best of Me
The Hobbit trilogy (rewatched)
Radio Rebel
Teen Beach Movie
Big Hero 6
Furious 7
Petals on the Wind
If There Be Thorns
The Giver
Seeds of Yesterday
Murder She Baked: A Hannah Swenson Mystery
Avengers: Age of Ultron
Fifty Shades of Grey
St. Vincent
Big Eyes
The Box Trolls
Marley & Me (rewatch)
Legally Blonde (rewatch)
Sweet Home Alabama (rewatch)
Can’t Hardly Wait (rewatch)
America’s Sweethearts(rewatch)
Into the Storm
The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy
Pitch Perfect 2
Jurassic World
Teen Beach Movie 2
Rio (rewatch)
Inside Out
Wet Hot American Summer
Jupiter Ascending
The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh (rewatch)
Chicken Little (rewatch)
Alexander and the Terrible,Horrible  No Good, Very Bad Day
Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy (rewatch)
Twilight (rewatch)
Mocking Jay part 1 (rewatch)
Paper Towns
The Maze Runner
Into the Woods
New Moon (rewatch)
Twister (rewatch)
The Chipmunk Adventure (rewatch)
Armageddon (rewatch)
Breaking Dawn part 1 & 2 (rewatch)
Transformers (rewatch)
All Dogs Go to Heaven (rewatch)
About Time (rewatch)
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (rewatch)
The Land Before Time (rewatch)
Footloose (remake) (rewatch)
R.L Stines Cabinet of Souls
Hotel Transylvania 2
Black or White
Alvin and the Chipmunks Meet the Woflman
Alvin and the Chipmunks meet Frankenstein
Back to the Future 2 & 3 (rewatch)
Cinderella (the live action one from this year)
Hocus Pocus (rewatch)
Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones
Curious George: A Halloween Boo Fest
Jurassic World (rewatch)
Curious George : A Very Monkey Christmas
Inside Out (bluray)
San Andreas
The Gift
Race for Your Life Charlie Brown (rewatch)
Bon Voyage Charlie Brown. (rewatch)
Age of Adaline
The Peanuts Movie
Murder She Baked: A Plum Pudding Mystery
Toy Story 1,2 and 3 (rewatch)
Vacation 2015
I’ll be Home for Christmas  (rewatch)
Mockingjay Part 2
Christmas Vacation (rewatch)
Coming Home for Christmas
Bridget Jones’s Diary (rewatch)
Elf (rewatch)
Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation

TV on netflix/Amazon/Hulu

Re watched The X Files season 1  and 2
Re watched Friends season 1
The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt season 1
iZombie season 1
Call the Midwife season 4
Criminal Minds season 1
Orphan Black season 1
True Detective season 2
American Horror Story: Coven
Wet Hot American Summer season 1
The Enfield Haunting
Gotham Season 1
Doctor Who Season 8
The Man in the High Castle Season 1
Breaking Bad season 1-2, and half of 3

Favorite Current Shows

Once Upon a Time
The Middle
The Flash
The Muppets
Last Man Standing
Downton Abbey
Fixer Upper
Ghost Adventures

Shows gave up on

Vampire Dairies
Scream Queens
New Girl
Greys Anatomy


Dear Christmas,

I think the thing I’d like the most is to still have my daddy. That’s not possible though so here is a list of other things that I would like.

  • The Age of Adaline on bluray ( I thought I would start with something that’s frivolous)
  • My voracious love of reading to come back.
  • Jamie to excel as he grows.
  • My wonderful family to have a safe and happy holiday.
  • To make this holiday the best I can for my mom.
  • To find sleep again.
  • To watch my family grow, with love and happiness.
  • Books.
  • Something unexpected.
  • A sign…something that leads me.
  • Mostly a safe and warm holiday.